My Journey

I grew up in a typical suburban middle class home. My parents took us to church so we could learn about God I learned about God and loved church. I felt a sense of comfort there and always loved going. When my parents stopped going I would go to church with neighbors and always liked it. Even joined the choir. I knew about God and Jesus, but only the basic stories. I had God in my heart but did not truly understand the Jesus thing.

They divorced after 19 years of marriage. I was 12. I was torn between two fighting parents and I was lost between them. I lived with my mother and always had a deep connection to her, but she was ill and I always felt left to pick up the pieces of her life. I felt as though I had to be so strong and I lost that feeling of comfort and love. I became angry and bitter because of it and resented my parents for a long time because of it.

As a youth and especially after the divorce I always felt a certain drive to succeed. I was always the kid that did everything at full force. Always being an all or nothing kind of person. I was always trying to be good enough at everything I did. This included music,sports, grades, or partying. Although I worked hard and did achieve much success in those areas, I never felt a sense of pride, and could never fill that gap in my soul that was desperately looking for fullfillment.
I did not have any stability or strong moral guidance in my life, and so I seemed to try anything and everything that offered the possibility of fulfillment. I looked for that 'happiness' in momentary highs of all sorts. Some positive and some not so legal. I was looking for that feeling that everything will be o.k no matter what, and to feel unconditionally loved by someone or something.

My best friend was of Lutheran faith and she gave me my first bible. Every once in a while I would ask her questions and go to church with her. At church I always felt as though I belonged and I felt pure and whole. I loved the idea of Jesus dying to take away my sins even, and would always pray to God when I was in trouble or needed help to get out of something. I never took that message to heart for whatever reason and carried on trying to do things on my own. Trying to gain control of a life that was spinning out of control. I just could not let go myself, and hated the idea of some bible telling me what to do.

I continued a life path of complete self destruction into University , but began really searching for that thing that will help me turn my life around. The last thing I was going to resort to was a bible, so I started looking into other things. I immersed myself into Buddhism, philosophy’s on life, started seeing psychiatrists, experimenting with the ‘better drugs’ and trying to find self esteem in guys I dated. I even started trying to heal my past and make sense of my chaotic upbringing. Some things worked for a while, but still there was this void in my heart that I could not seem to get rid of.

By the time I graduated University I found myself working midnights at Tim Horton’s and living with my mother again. After this and several failed serious relationships I began to feel disillusioned and hopeless. A part of me felt as though one day I would get my life on track but for a while I just wanted to give up trying. I was dissapointed in myself that I was not yet succesful in anything and really felt like I was a horrible human being. So...I gave up my efforts.
I made a conscious decision to destroy myself. I thought that my life could not get any worse and I was miserable. So I got a job at a bar and became a drug addict. I was proud of myself because I figured if there was anything I was really good at it would be having a jolly good time regardless of anyone else around me.
I fell deeper and deeper into depression as the drugs wore off, taking more and more drugs to stay ‘happy’. I was working at a coffee shop and befriended a guy named Adam. He was so nice and listened to me. I never told him my ‘true’ life because he was a good part and I did not want to drag him into my hole.

Right away there was something so special and different about him. He told me that he was a Christian and I just thought ‘whatever, I don’t care’. A part of me felt so safe and secure around him though. As though he perhaps had the tools to help me pull myself out of the hole I was in. I was intrigued, and held onto a glimmer of hope that I would someday come out of this dark depression I was in. Little did I know the plans God had for me and him ;)
Easter came around and he invited me to church with him. That morning I snorted the last bit of cocaine I had lying around and went, feeling quite proud of my dirty secret.

When I walked into the church I Immediately felt a sense of something. It was a little uncomfortable but I was not afraid. I definitely ‘felt’ a presence there however. It was during the sermon when I felt something wrap around me in a big way. I FELT GOD. and FELT that he was REAL. I shivered as I really felt like someones arms were around me. It was at that moment when years of heartache and pain came to the surface. Years of trying on my own to succeed. Years of searching and always…always failing. I understood that Jesus died for MY sins and MY evils…..God knew all I had gone through and he was there with me at that very moment….lifting me up. God knew my dirty little secret but loved me anyway. I allowed myself for the first time in years to let him hold me and for the first time I FELT LOVE. I got it!!!! I understood and FELT God’s love. I FELT my need to wake up. God was saying to me, Alyson it is time. It is time to wake and the man sitting next to you will help you snap out of it.

The next year and a half I considered myself a new Christian. I tried to learn all I could about Jesus but always thought that maybe none of it was real.. I was baptized in the river the week before my wedding day to start ‘new and fresh’ and leave my old life behind. I thought I was in the clear of my old ways so to speak.
I could not understand why I still had problems. Why despite my professed love for God, my thoughts and mind had not been transformed completely. I thought that once I accepted Jesus into my heart that I would be a changed person. I began thinking that I was inherently evil and that was my part in the world and that I was stuck being miserable forever. Where was the Christian 'high'?? was it all fake? Was it just like every other high I had tried in my life?

At that time I was surrounded by seasoned Christians strong in their faith and I did not have access to old ways.
We were studying Romans when the passage ‘For we have ALL SINNED AND FALL SHORT OF THE GLORY OF GOD’, made sense to me. Then it all came together!!!! I DON’T HAVE TO BE PERFECT! And in fact I will never be able to be perfect and that is WHY I ALWAYS NEED GOD IN MY LIFE!!!!!! What a relief this was!!! That was the entire point I needed to get all along. That no matter how hard I try on my own I will never attain that happiness. Even after we become christians we will still Sin because we are human. That life transformation is a want to be more and more like christ, and the more I yield to His will the more my heart changes for the better. Ahhh.....I get it now. christianity is not about what I need to do to go to heaven, it is about having a relationship with Christ and having God in my heart.

‘Happiness’ was and is routed with God, and so is contentment, love, and not worrying. It all comes from knowing that I am not perfect and so I need to rely on god to help me. If I just let go and trust him, no matter what life throws at me I will be just fine.

I discovered that if I am living for Him, bad things will still happen but nothing I can’t handle. I am in God’s hands and I am living for him. I repent everyday about the stupid things I do and that is why slowly I am becoming a better person. Also knowing that I will spend eternity with him in heaven makes my entire life’s trouble worth while.

Proverbs 3:5-6 says, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and depend not on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do and He will direct your path.

In 6 years God has proven to me time and time again that if I rely on him and live for him that I will find happiness and contentment. I have been able to let go of my past, forgive my parents, and forgive myself. Everyday I live for him. Everyday I grow as a person. I am not perfect and never will be but for the first time in my life I am happy and am just fine not being perfect. A part of me is petrified to lose God because I know what I am capable of and where my life will go if I chose to live a life void of Him in my life. I don't want that and that is why I hold him dearly in my heart.

I am so grateful that God touched my life on that day. I am grateful that everyday I learn new things, falter and grow again. I am especially grateful that he sent Adam into my life to help guide me through.
In your Hands,
Alyson McNish